FREE TELESEMINAR

“You Can’t Make Me!”: How to End  Power Struggles

January 20, 2015, 7:30 – 8:30 pm PST

Call: 605-475-5950 / Access Code: 8521955

Now Available as a Download - Parenting That Works! Course

Nearly 6 hours of instruction by Vickie

Click here for details

Fast Forward - Use this exercise as a way to set your intention for how you want to raise your children.

If you're like me, you often parent with only short-term goals in mind: to get the kids to clean their rooms, to make it through the grocery store without buying a toy, or to induce them to sit quietly through church or temple. It’s easy to lose sight of our long-term goals of raising happy, healthy, confident children when we are caught up in the minutia of life. I find that for most parents in my programs, it is helpful to be powerfully reminded of the end result of your minute-to-minute decisions. So I developed a visualization called Fast Forward to help parents create a picture that they carry with them through the six-week parenting course and beyond. Please read the exercise and then take the time to write down your response that follows the visualization, immediately and without editing, your first thoughts.

Fast Forward your life to a future scene. Your child, now 19, has just arrived home from college to join you for Thanksgiving (if you have more than one child, picture the child who challenges you the most). As you take your seat among friends and family at the dinner table, your 19-year-old clinks a glass to get everyone’s attention, stands and begins to give a speech in your honor. You feel overwhelmed with the feelings of connectedness, joy, and pride as you hear your child express his/her deep gratitude for the wonderful parent you have been.

My amazing daughters Alexa and Brianna

On a piece of paper write your child’s speech—the speech you would like to hear. Be as specific as possible, listing in detail the circumstances that created closeness between you and your child. Let your imagination go wild. Do not limit yourself by what you think is possible—write the dream.

This can be a very emotional experience for most parents. Many of us as children did not receive from our parents what we really want to pass on to our children—a high level of connection, appreciation, and unconditional love. Also, many parents fear they won’t be able to “get it” in time to become the parents they want to be. You will. It’s never ever too late to become a more effective parent. It’s never too late to create a more connected relationship with your child.

Use this exercise as a way to set your intention for how you want to raise your children, and let this bigger intention guide your daily actions and provide you with the motivation to change. You provide the desire and I will provide you plenty of ideas for getting there. If you feel like you did not receive the qualities that you want to pass on to your children, do not despair. One of the grand possibilities of parenthood is that we have the chance to experience gifts like unconditional love, connection, freedom, and being heard when we give them to our child. We get to experience unconditional love by giving it to someone else. We have an opportunity to create the connection we didn't feel as children when we connect with our child. And we experience the joy of hearing someone when we felt unheard. In the process we all get to heal.

Breathe

In An Emergency, Remember These Formulas

1. Words = Fuel
2. Upset + Words = More Upset
3. Upset + Conscious Breathing = More Calm

Tonight's Teleseminar

TONIGHT!    FREE Teleseminar (attend by phone or internet)

"You Can't Make Me!": How to End  Power Struggles

September 19th from 7:30 - 8:30 pm Pacific Time

Power struggles. Morning time, meal time, and bedtime (not to mention homework) can quickly become a battleground as both parents and kids feel the pressure of the new school schedule and demands. In this program, Vickie will reveal simple practices that can help prevent power struggles and reduce the intensity of those that do occur. When we begin to understand and meet the needs behind the power struggles, kids and parents feel happier and more connected. In this program, you will have fun and:

             

• Discover proven ways to prevent  power struggles
• Learn to respond effectively vs. react emotionally
• Discover 7 practical strategies that work to minimize the hassles, tantrums and tears
• Feel calmer and enjoy being a parent

 Vickie will be live on this call and sharing practical tips for preventing and minimizing power struggles.

 To register and get access to the call click here

TONIGHT!

FREE Introductory Workshop:

"You Can't Make Me!": How to End Power Struggles

September 17th from 7:00 - 8:30 pm Pacific Time

Santa Monica Library (Montana Branch)

1704 Montana Ave, Santa Monica, CA 90403

The transition from the lazy days of summer to the routine of a new school year provides plentiful opportunities for a power struggle. Morning time, meal time, and bedtime (not to mention homework) can quickly become a battleground as both parents and kids feel the pressure of the new schedule and demands.
 In this program, Vickie will reveal simple practices that can help prevent power struggles and reduce the intensity of those that do occur. When we begin to understand and meet the needs behind the power struggles, kids and parents feel happier and more connected. In this program, you will have fun and:

• Discover proven ways to prevent  power struggles
• Learn to respond effectively vs. react emotionally
• Discover 7 practical strategies that work to minimize the hassles, tantrums and tears
• Feel calmer and enjoy being a parent

 We look forward to seeing you there!
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Sign Up For The Next 6 Week Parenting Course - starts September 30th!

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Here's an excerpt from our recent Introductory Workshop
"You Can't Make Me!": How to End Power Struggles

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How to Get Kids to WANT to Listen and Cooperate

By Vickie Falcone, M.A.

“How do I get my kids to stop fighting?” “What’s the best way to handle an angry child? “How can I persuade my daughter to go to bed on time?” If you’re like most parents, you want practical parenting tools that solve specific problems. You’ll need few parenting tools and techniques if you learn how to truly connect with your child. One evening, after a parenting program, Andy, the father of boys ages three and five, approached me. “Vickie, this stuff might work on girls, but not on boys. You don’t have boys, so you don’t understand. I have to GET IN THEIR FACE to get their attention.” “What is your tone of voice when you get in their face?” I asked.      more

Why Drill Sergeants Work in the Army, But Not So Much At Home

Why We Need to Stop Using So Many Commands

The average child hears over 400 commands per day!

And lots of commands makes for ineffective parenting. So while using commands often seems like the quickest and easiest parenting tool, it has many downfalls.

Using frequent commands:

• Discourages your child.
• Deprives children of the opportunity to learn to think for themselves.
• Decreases cooperation.
• Often invites resistance.

How, then, do we facilitate the happenings of the day? The children need to get dressed, fed the dog, come to dinner etc.

The Answer:

Instead of Using Commands:

Give information or ask a question.

HOW TO GAIN COOPERATION BY ASKING QUESTIONS THAT FACILITATE

I recently saw a great example of the power of asking a question instead of giving a command on a bumper sticker on an eighteen-wheeler. It read: “If I stop, can you?” The question got me thinking: “Could I stop in time?” I did what we want our children to do…STOP, and THINK. Commands rarely get us there. When we question instead of command, children respond by thinking instead of reacting.

The key phrase in the example above is, “got me thinking.” We want to come up with questions that lead children to think about what needs to happen next. Questions that are imbedded with commands are less effective.

Some examples of questions that teach kids to pause and think:

Command: “Pick up your coat.”

Question as a Command: “Could you put your coat away?”

Effective Question: “Where does your coat belong?”

Command: “Get your shoes on.”

Question as a Command: “Will you put your shoes on?”

Effective Question: “What else do you need to do before you go outside?”

Command: “Feed Fido.”

Question as a Command: “Could you please feed Fido?”

Effective Question: “Has Fido been fed?”

Effective questions get your child thinking about what needs to happen next. And children are more likely to cooperate with their own ideas, as opposed to commands. In corporations, this is called “buy-in.”

HOW TO GAIN COOPERATION BY GIVING INFORMATION

Giving information is another thing we can do instead of commands to help to keep us connected to our child – who, eventually becomes more open to our guidance.

Using the same command from the previous examples, here are some examples of ineffective and effective questions:

Command: “Pick up your coat.”

Give Information: “Coats belong on the coat hooks.”

Command: “Get your shoes on.”

Give Information: “You’ll need your shoe to go outside.”

Command: “Feed Fido.”

Effective Question: “Fido looks hungry.”

Think about some of your most-used commands and see if you can come up with a question or a statement that you can use next time to invite cooperation and “get them thinking.”

Decrease Misbehavior and Increase Closeness When You PHIL ‘em Up

Our connection to our children colors our parenting experience more than anything else. So, it’s essential that we make connecting our number one priority. If you take the time to connect, the grocery shopping will go more easily, the power struggles will decrease, communication lines will open, and you’ll feel better about how you parent.

Few other parenting practices:

• Dramatically increase your child’s level of cooperation
• Help decrease misbehavior
• Motivate your child to listen better
• Bring you profound peace of mind

Imagine someone you feel connected to, like a close friend. If she asked you for a favor, wouldn’t you go out of your way to help? If someone you don’t feel connected with (like the relative or coworker who only calls when he needs something) asks a favor, wouldn’t you be less inclined to offer support? Children feel the same way. When they’re experiencing a strong connection with us, they naturally want to maintain that connection and harmony by listening and cooperating.

Establishing this connection starts when we become aware of children’s four emotional needs and the importance of meeting them. The acronym for the four needs is PHIL: Children need to feel Powerful, Heard, Important,and Loved

Children, like adults, want to feel the authentic Power that comes from having influence and input about their environment. We help children feel powerful when we offer choices (without rushing them), ask their opinion or allow them to lead us in an activity. Children also want to be Heard and understood, not just the words they say, but the essence of their communications. We help children feel heard when we make eye contact when they are speaking and when we get down on their level to communicate. They want to feel Important, that what they have to say matters and that they’re valuable enough to warrant their parents’ attention. Children feel important when parents take the time to ask and consider their opinion and when parents spend time joyfully connecting with them. They also need to feel unconditionally Loved. Loved simply because they exist…and not matter how they are behaving.

The Root Cause of Misbehavior

Misbehavior happens when children inappropriately seek to fill the hunger for the four core needs. Power struggles erupt when children feel powerless. Children scream for attention when they don’t feel heard or important.

In your next interaction with your child, instead of asking yourself, how can I get my child to ________? change the question to, what is my child trying to tell me? Jump at the chance to discover your child’s need then help PHIL it. This website is packed with resources that will help you do just that.

When your child knows a fulfilling connection with you is readily available, it’s like a high-speed Internet line to your heart that’s always live. They know they can easily tap into the power of your love and get connected. They feel better about themselves. They naturally feel less needy, so they often behave in a way that’s less demanding. They feel PHILed—powerful, heard, important, and loved. And you feel the peace of mind that comes with practicing peaceful, connected parenting.