Why Drill Sergeants Work in the Army, But Not So Much At Home

Why We Need to Stop Using So Many Commands

The average child hears over 400 commands per day!

And lots of commands makes for ineffective parenting. So while using commands often seems like the quickest and easiest parenting tool, it has many downfalls.

Using frequent commands:

• Discourages your child.
• Deprives children of the opportunity to learn to think for themselves.
• Decreases cooperation.
• Often invites resistance.

How, then, do we facilitate the happenings of the day? The children need to get dressed, fed the dog, come to dinner etc.

The Answer:

Instead of Using Commands:

Give information or ask a question.

HOW TO GAIN COOPERATION BY ASKING QUESTIONS THAT FACILITATE

I recently saw a great example of the power of asking a question instead of giving a command on a bumper sticker on an eighteen-wheeler. It read: “If I stop, can you?” The question got me thinking: “Could I stop in time?” I did what we want our children to do…STOP, and THINK. Commands rarely get us there. When we question instead of command, children respond by thinking instead of reacting.

The key phrase in the example above is, “got me thinking.” We want to come up with questions that lead children to think about what needs to happen next. Questions that are imbedded with commands are less effective.

Some examples of questions that teach kids to pause and think:

Command: “Pick up your coat.”

Question as a Command: “Could you put your coat away?”

Effective Question: “Where does your coat belong?”

Command: “Get your shoes on.”

Question as a Command: “Will you put your shoes on?”

Effective Question: “What else do you need to do before you go outside?”

Command: “Feed Fido.”

Question as a Command: “Could you please feed Fido?”

Effective Question: “Has Fido been fed?”

Effective questions get your child thinking about what needs to happen next. And children are more likely to cooperate with their own ideas, as opposed to commands. In corporations, this is called “buy-in.”

HOW TO GAIN COOPERATION BY GIVING INFORMATION

Giving information is another thing we can do instead of commands to help to keep us connected to our child – who, eventually becomes more open to our guidance.

Using the same command from the previous examples, here are some examples of ineffective and effective questions:

Command: “Pick up your coat.”

Give Information: “Coats belong on the coat hooks.”

Command: “Get your shoes on.”

Give Information: “You’ll need your shoe to go outside.”

Command: “Feed Fido.”

Effective Question: “Fido looks hungry.”

Think about some of your most-used commands and see if you can come up with a question or a statement that you can use next time to invite cooperation and “get them thinking.”