tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78655531866280165752024-03-05T22:39:06.228-08:00Parenting That Works!Finally, a place you can learn proven, practical skills for becoming a better parent. Whether you are feeling out of control or just looking to be a more patient and effective parent, I can help.
It is my passionate intention to offer you the best of my 20 years of experience speaking, teaching and coaching thousands of parents to success. Your willingness to improve your family life puts you on a worthy quest. Welcome. Vickie Falcone, M.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03904004283143501986noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7865553186628016575.post-21092306827490125392015-02-18T21:07:00.000-08:002015-02-18T21:07:00.858-08:00The Price of Spanking<h3>
Violence Perpetuates Violence</h3>
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A minister approached me after a presentation in Atlanta to a conference of Christian families and said, “I gather you don’t believe in spanking.” I could tell from his tone that he had more than an academic interest. “That’s right,” I said. “I believe violence begets violence.”<br /><br /> “Spare the rod and spoil the child!” he responded.<br /><br />“Actually,” I said, “The sheep were never hit with the rod by shepherds. The rod was used to direct the lead sheep.” He disagreed and assured me that he makes sure he is not angry whenever he strikes his children. We were clearly poles apart in our philosophies and I felt uncomfortable with our exchange. This charming and charismatic 40-year-old, with an engaging smile, headed a growing church that was one of the most successful in its region.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhufcwHWg7L7a225N0bet8yjKzHcxxhiD3rL3-BcHIZrrqHLxFcOn0cS6aCo7vOtsKvvbM3v2NvxVqFuV3-Z2nryEbVwGiVyMCuWHBsM2GO1Rb_BGzGtt0vokoSbsBBxSdwiWnJJEFnmss/s1600/5429827_orig.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhufcwHWg7L7a225N0bet8yjKzHcxxhiD3rL3-BcHIZrrqHLxFcOn0cS6aCo7vOtsKvvbM3v2NvxVqFuV3-Z2nryEbVwGiVyMCuWHBsM2GO1Rb_BGzGtt0vokoSbsBBxSdwiWnJJEFnmss/s1600/5429827_orig.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /><br />Later that day in the conference hotel, I was sitting in the hot tub with a half dozen other mothers when a boy around six and a girl around four approached the water. <br /><br />“Get in!” the boy told the girl. She dipped her toes in and pulled them out quickly. “It’s too hot,” she said.<br /><br /> “Get in!” he yelled.<br /><br /> “No!” she answered loudly.<br /><br /> “I said, get in!” he screamed, hitting her on the back of her head.<br /><br />The girl began wailing as the boy screamed even louder, and began to spank her. “Get (whack), in (whack), right (whack), now!” The other mothers and I sat in stunned silence at the sudden violence. Just as one of us stood up to intervene, the children’s mother appeared, followed by her husband—the minister. <br /><br />At age six, this boy had adopted the philosophy that spanking implies: If you can’t get what you want when you want it, use physical force, especially if your target is smaller or weaker. Violence perpetuates violence.Vickie Falcone, M.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03904004283143501986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7865553186628016575.post-49013128494380482382015-02-06T05:00:00.000-08:002015-02-06T05:00:07.010-08:00Connection before logistics—or friends.<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: .5in;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoTCBpqPDJEfkA5bCl9hKN0xlRqpL0C9miO9XjPJs7qY_3tgUUD5wi9hg35NDvppnYAbmZe-DjujcsJisPAJde_iQu0KnwNCHwpvGoGDoLNXlyMGuwZRtGPNtO2jPjt3brDJ3l1WH4w6s/s1600/alone-sad-girl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoTCBpqPDJEfkA5bCl9hKN0xlRqpL0C9miO9XjPJs7qY_3tgUUD5wi9hg35NDvppnYAbmZe-DjujcsJisPAJde_iQu0KnwNCHwpvGoGDoLNXlyMGuwZRtGPNtO2jPjt3brDJ3l1WH4w6s/s1600/alone-sad-girl.jpg" height="224" width="320" /></a>I once attended a
birthday party for a six-year-old and noticed that, as each mom arrived to pick
up her child, she greeted the mother of the birthday girl before greeting her
own child. In several cases, the child would try to get her attention and the
mom would tell the child not to interrupt. What kind of message does that give
the child? That she’s not important. In his book, <i>First Things First,</i>
Stephen Covey reminds us that life is more likely to turn out the way we want
if we focus on those activities that are “important and not urgent.” Use any urgency as a reminder to stop and
decide what’s most important at this moment. One practical way I apply this to
my life, which greatly eases the stress of daily mechanics, is to practice <i>connecting
before logistics.</i> </div>
In his book, <br />
<br />
<div class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="line-height: 150%;">
With this fresh on my mind,
several days later as I went to daycare to pick up my six-year-old, I made a
special effort to connect with her first thing. Within seconds, Pam arrived.
She and I had been playing phone tag for days, planning a school picnic.
“Vickie!” she shouted hurrying toward us. It took every bit of self-control to
stay focused on my child, but I did. Connection before logistics—or friends.</div>
Vickie Falcone, M.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03904004283143501986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7865553186628016575.post-28791253467179266262015-01-20T08:00:00.000-08:002015-01-20T08:00:07.057-08:00the call to connect<h3>
Is this child’s misbehavior really a cry for attention?</h3>
<br />Disconnection is what happens when we don’t recognize the call to connect. Recently my friend Lori asked me for advice about bedtime power struggles with her three-year-old. She said that when she put her daughter Katelyn to bed each night, she would come out of her room again and again and again. “Mom, I need a drink of water . . . I’m scared in my room . . . I want to sleep with my brother.” In addition, Katelyn was waking up in the middle of the night and going into her parent’s bedroom. One night, Lori felt so frustrated (after the tenth trip out of the room) that she spanked her daughter and sent her to bed crying. Lori felt horrible. Needless to say, so did Katelyn.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /><br />Instead of offering her tips for redirecting power struggles, I asked, “Do you think Katelyn is in a power struggle, or is she just wanting to connect with you?” Tears welled up in Lori’s eyes as she recognized and reinterpreted her daughter’s “power struggles” as simply cries for attention and connection.<br /><br /> That night, Lori offered Katelyn some choices about a new bedtime routine. Katelyn chose to fall asleep in Mom and Dad’s bed. Lori explained that after she fell asleep, they would carry her back to her bed. Instantly, the bedtime “power struggles” were replaced with a happy, peaceful, connected bedtime.<br /><br />Get in the habit of asking yourself, <i>Is this child’s misbehavior really a cry for attention?</i> If it is, offer connection. After all, your child will not likely say, “Hey Mom, I really need some quality time with you. Do you think you could check your Daytimer and schedule some one-on-one time with me?” <div>
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It’s up to you to take the lead.</div>
Vickie Falcone, M.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03904004283143501986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7865553186628016575.post-25710354206497484222015-01-15T10:00:00.000-08:002015-01-15T10:00:02.706-08:00It’s Not What You Do, It’s the Way that You Do It<br />
One evening a woman came up to me just before my class began and said, “You know that hand thingy? I used it and it didn’t work.” She was referring to Step Five: Lovingly touch your child. It doesn’t work when we use it like a technique. She didn’t have the thought, how can I connect with my child? It was more like, If I use this, I can get my child to do what I want. Your intention is crucial. You don’t need parenting tools and techniques when you truly connect with your child.<br />
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<br />
A coaching client called me one day to ask more about connecting. <br />
<br />
“What activities would you suggest I do with my children to connect more with them?” <br />
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“It’s not about the activity,” I told her. “It’s never about the activity. It’s about the quality of the connection, whether you are engaged in an activity or not.” <br />
<br />
“What do you mean?” she asked. I then described how to move toward your child with love. <br />
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“Then, how do you connect with your children?” she asked. “For example, what did you do last week? Give me some ideas!” My mind went blank; I could not think of any specific things I had done to connect with my children during the past week. I did agree to write down all the connecting moments I could in the upcoming week and report back to her in seven days. Here’s my list: <br />
<ol>
<li>When my seven-year-old was quietly playing solitaire on the computer, I sat down in the chair with her, became interested in the game, and played with her. (Moved toward my child with love while she was content) </li>
<li>I invited the girls to help me cut up vegetables to feed the hamster. (Set my intention to connect) </li>
<li>When my ten-year-old said, “Come with me to do my homework,” I let go of a cleaning project, went into her room, and sat on her bed for about half an hour while she did her homework. We had intermittent conversations about her new erasers, an upcoming birthday party, and how much she liked her teacher. (Moved toward my child while she was content) </li>
<li>When they arrived home from school, I sat down, made eye contact, and listened to the details of their day, consciously choosing to talk very little. It was amazing how much they had to say when I made the “space.” (Used few words) </li>
<li>When the girls got home from school, I got off the phone and asked if they wanted to go next door to our rental apartment to see the new carpet that had been installed that day. I then watched them dance around and run through the apartment. When I was ready to leave and they were not, I gave them a few more minutes since I was not rushed. (Set my intention to connect, smiled, gave all of my focused attention, offered friendly eye contact) </li>
<li>We went to get ice cream; I made friendly eye contact, and really enjoyed the ice cream and company of my family. (Offered friendly eye contact and used few words) </li>
<li>On the way home from the grocery store, the girls asked to stop in a second hand store. Again, since I was not on a time schedule (and yes, often I am!) I patiently watched them try on and model high-heeled shoes. (Gave all of my focused attention) </li>
</ol>
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Not too glamorous is it? Can you see that it’s about being, rather than doing? You do not have to add any special activities, just be fully present using the eight steps to move toward your child with love.Vickie Falcone, M.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03904004283143501986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7865553186628016575.post-44996197071240129942015-01-02T09:00:00.000-08:002015-01-02T09:00:01.280-08:00Instead of Yelling or Threatening<h3>
"...this stuff might work on girls, but not on boys"</h3>
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One night after a parenting class, a father of two boys ages three and five approached me and said, “Vickie, this stuff might work on girls, but not on boys. You don’t have boys, so you don’t understand. I have to get in their face to get their attention.”<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzDK4nmR-x_zDp7osywhiygLl0a1eU5b4IqlnvbpotQuef3I30onyeZ4iKT_sruV8QLZ585huFAEkqHa_UU_QVUmUcjNrhBNwxkXxQV45ORzsY96kJVxlOmacpkFwJh2jz08A57PXzXD0/s1600/in+his+face.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzDK4nmR-x_zDp7osywhiygLl0a1eU5b4IqlnvbpotQuef3I30onyeZ4iKT_sruV8QLZ585huFAEkqHa_UU_QVUmUcjNrhBNwxkXxQV45ORzsY96kJVxlOmacpkFwJh2jz08A57PXzXD0/s1600/in+his+face.jpg" height="224" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />
“What is your tone of voice when you get in their face?” I asked. <br />
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The dad laughed. “I've had it, usually, and I’m mad.” <br />
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I empathized with him. I've been there at the end of the proverbial rope, resorting to the quickest technique I know—yelling. “Continue to get in their face,” I insisted. “Just do it with love. Instead of getting ‘loud and nasty,’ try ‘close and kind.’ Both get the results you want, and the latter doesn't hurt the child.” <br />
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<br />
It’s true that we get better results when we get in their face. This father had been practicing a truncated version of the eight steps. He made eye contact, used not-so-loving touch and gave the boys 100 percent of his focused attention. He just needed to add a few more steps to increase his likelihood for cooperation while, at the same time, preserving his relationship with his sons. At the next class, the father shared that, though he had not mastered all the steps, even adding a few made his interactions with his sons go more smoothly.Vickie Falcone, M.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03904004283143501986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7865553186628016575.post-77769581273566070732014-12-29T18:37:00.000-08:002014-12-29T18:37:00.291-08:00<h4 style="background: rgb(244, 244, 242); border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'helvetica neue', Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 1.3em; font-weight: normal; line-height: 20px; margin: 0px 0px 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center; text-shadow: rgb(255, 255, 255) 1px 1px 1px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background: transparent; border: 0px; color: #3366ff; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">FREE TELESEMINAR</strong></span></h4>
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<span style="background: transparent; border: 0px; color: #cc3333; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background: transparent; border: 0px; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">“You Can’t Make Me!”</span>: How to End Power Struggles</strong></span></h4>
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<h5 style="background: rgb(244, 244, 242); border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'helvetica neue', Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 1.1em; font-weight: normal; line-height: 20px; margin: 0px 0px 10px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center; text-shadow: rgb(255, 255, 255) 1px 1px 1px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background: transparent; border: 0px; color: #3366ff; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Call: <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">605-475-5950</strong> / Access Code: <strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">8521955<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Vickie Falcone, M.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03904004283143501986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7865553186628016575.post-47796962493935645402014-12-23T19:01:00.004-08:002014-12-23T19:01:37.236-08:00Now Available as a Download - Parenting That Works! Course <h3>
Nearly 6 hours of instruction by Vickie</h3>
<a href="https://paul-babin.squarespace.com/config#/pages/audio-recordings|/audio-recordings/7rc0mn3jsxogsu8pdpjy1nmrbb36ar" target="_blank">Click here for details</a><br />
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<br />Vickie Falcone, M.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03904004283143501986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7865553186628016575.post-32688537527538277522014-12-20T17:50:00.000-08:002014-12-20T21:20:38.067-08:00Fast Forward - Use this exercise as a way to set your intention for how you want to raise your children.<div class="BuddhaSubHeading">
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<div class="BuddhaText">
If you're like me, you often parent with only short-term
goals in mind: to get the kids to clean their rooms, to make it through the
grocery store without buying a toy, or to induce them to sit quietly through
church or temple. It’s easy to lose sight of our long-term goals of raising
happy, healthy, confident children when we are caught up in the minutia of
life. I find that for most parents in my programs, it is helpful to be
powerfully reminded of the end result of your minute-to-minute decisions. So I
developed a visualization called <i>Fast Forward</i> to help parents create a
picture that they carry with them through the six-week parenting course and
beyond. Please read the exercise and then take the time to write down your
response that follows the visualization, immediately and without editing, your
first thoughts.</div>
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Fast Forward your life to a future scene. Your child, now
19, has just arrived home from college to join you for Thanksgiving (if you
have more than one child, picture the child who challenges you the most). As
you take your seat among friends and family at the dinner table, your
19-year-old clinks a glass to get everyone’s attention, stands and begins to
give a speech in your honor. You feel <i>overwhelmed</i> with the feelings of
connectedness, joy, and pride as you hear your child express his/her deep
gratitude for the wonderful parent you have been.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg95tUtjKKsX6dVnMgXzN7VwsVX2rkj2RPqIvmYEODMwbr5ifSwL6_cSCgTihk845C87RNIFttV3saNgNflOcTSIJgeYQCXftcdnpYkXnAfFRWDdyPAt5Rgb545Z6OKC8-mrkcoi99WvMk/s1600/IMG_9937.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg95tUtjKKsX6dVnMgXzN7VwsVX2rkj2RPqIvmYEODMwbr5ifSwL6_cSCgTihk845C87RNIFttV3saNgNflOcTSIJgeYQCXftcdnpYkXnAfFRWDdyPAt5Rgb545Z6OKC8-mrkcoi99WvMk/s1600/IMG_9937.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My amazing daughters Alexa and Brianna</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="BuddhaText">
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<div class="BuddhaText">
On a piece of paper write your child’s speech—the speech
you would like to hear. Be as specific as possible, listing in detail the
circumstances that created closeness between you and your child. Let your
imagination go wild. Do not limit yourself by what you <i>think</i> is
possible—write the dream.</div>
<div class="BuddhaText">
This can be a very emotional experience for most parents.
Many of us as children did not receive from our parents what we really want to
pass on to our children—a high level of connection, appreciation, and
unconditional love. Also, many parents fear they won’t be able to “get it” in
time to become the parents they want to be. You will. It’s never ever too late
to become a more effective parent. It’s never too late to create a more
connected relationship with your child. </div>
<div class="BuddhaText">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="BuddhaText">
Use this exercise as a way to set your intention for how
you want to raise your children, and let this bigger intention guide your daily
actions and provide you with the motivation to change. You provide the desire
and I will provide you plenty of ideas for getting there. If you feel like you
did not receive the qualities that you want to pass on to your children, do not
despair. One of the grand possibilities of parenthood is that we have the
chance to experience gifts like unconditional love, connection, freedom, and
being heard when we give them to our child. We get to experience unconditional
love by giving it to someone else. We have an opportunity to create the
connection we didn't feel as children when we connect with our child. And we
experience the joy of hearing someone when we felt unheard. In the process we
all get to heal.</div>
Vickie Falcone, M.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03904004283143501986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7865553186628016575.post-10859954984925233082014-11-01T18:06:00.000-07:002014-12-20T18:31:27.887-08:00Breathe<h3>
<br /><div style="text-align: center;">
In An Emergency, Remember These Formulas</div>
<ol>
<li>Words = Fuel</li>
<li>Upset + Words = More Upset</li>
<li>Upset + Conscious Breathing = More Calm</li>
</ol>
</h3>
Vickie Falcone, M.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03904004283143501986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7865553186628016575.post-90256199373777204612014-09-19T10:13:00.000-07:002014-12-20T17:52:49.080-08:00Tonight's Teleseminar<h4 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red;"><strong>TONIGHT!</strong> FREE</span> Teleseminar (<em>attend by phone or internet</em>)</h4>
<h4 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: teal;">"You Can't Make Me!": How to End Power Struggles</span></h4>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red;"><b>September 19th from 7:30 - 8:30 pm Pacific Time</b></span></div>
Power struggles. Morning time, meal time, and bedtime (not to mention homework) can quickly become a battleground as both parents and kids feel the pressure of the new school schedule and demands.
In this program, Vickie will reveal simple practices that can help prevent power struggles and reduce the intensity of those that do occur. When we begin to understand and meet the needs behind the power struggles, kids and parents feel happier and more connected. In this program, you will have fun and:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://myoptinpage2.com/?pid=6720447" title="TeleSeminars"><img alt="students_bus" class=" wp-image-860 alignright" src="http://dev.parentingthatworks.net/wp-content/uploads/students_bus.jpg" height="200" width="219" /></a><br />
<br />
• Discover proven ways to prevent power struggles<br />
• Learn to respond effectively vs. react emotionally<br />
• Discover 7 practical strategies that work to minimize the hassles, tantrums and tears<br />
• Feel calmer and enjoy being a parent<br />
<br />
Vickie will be live on this call and sharing practical tips for preventing and minimizing power struggles.
<br />
<br />
<div>
To <span style="color: #484848;">register </span>and get access to the call <span style="color: blue;"><a href="http://myoptinpage2.com/?pid=6720447"><span style="color: blue;">click here</span></a></span></div>
<br />Vickie Falcone, M.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03904004283143501986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7865553186628016575.post-68531845601180136742014-09-17T12:37:00.000-07:002014-12-20T17:53:20.156-08:00<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red;">TONIGHT! </span></h2>
<h4 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red;">FREE</span> Introductory Workshop:</h4>
<h4 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: teal;">"You Can't Make Me!": How to End Power Struggles</span></h4>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red;"><b>September 17th from 7:00 - 8:30 pm Pacific Time</b></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Santa Monica Library (Montana Branch)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
1704 Montana Ave, Santa Monica, CA 90403<br />
<br /></div>
The transition from the lazy days of summer to the routine of a new school year provides plentiful opportunities for a power struggle. Morning time, meal time, and bedtime (not to mention homework) can quickly become a battleground as both parents and kids feel the pressure of the new schedule and demands.<br />
In this program, Vickie will reveal simple practices that can help prevent power struggles and reduce the intensity of those that do occur. When we begin to understand and meet the needs behind the power struggles, kids and parents feel happier and more connected. In this program, you will have fun and:<br />
<br />
• Discover proven ways to prevent power struggles<br />
• Learn to respond effectively vs. react emotionally<br />
• Discover 7 practical strategies that work to minimize the hassles, tantrums and tears<br />
• Feel calmer and enjoy being a parent<br />
<br />
We look forward to seeing you there!<br />
<iframe frameborder="0" height="350" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="https://maps.google.com/maps?ie=UTF8&gl=us&daddr=1704+Montana+Ave,+Santa+Monica,+CA+90403&panel=1&f=d&fb=1&dirflg=d&geocode=0,34.034492,-118.492154&cid=0,0,5091423521147629381&hq=library+montana+branch&hnear=0x80c2a4cec2910019:0xb4170ab5ff23f5ab,Santa+Monica,+CA&t=h&ll=34.034492,-118.492154&spn=0.006295,0.007597&output=embed" width="425"></iframe>
<small><a href="https://maps.google.com/maps?ie=UTF8&gl=us&daddr=1704+Montana+Ave,+Santa+Monica,+CA+90403&panel=1&f=d&fb=1&dirflg=d&geocode=0,34.034492,-118.492154&cid=0,0,5091423521147629381&hq=library+montana+branch&hnear=0x80c2a4cec2910019:0xb4170ab5ff23f5ab,Santa+Monica,+CA&t=h&ll=34.034492,-118.492154&spn=0.006295,0.007597&source=embed" style="color: blue; text-align: left;">View Larger Map</a></small>[hr]Vickie Falcone, M.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03904004283143501986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7865553186628016575.post-15995689533444401452014-08-28T22:20:00.000-07:002014-12-20T17:52:11.145-08:00<h4 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: teal;"><a href="http://parentingthatworks.net/6-week-workshop" title="6 Week Workshop"><span style="color: blue;">Sign Up For The Next 6 Week Parenting Course - <em>starts September 30th!</em></span></a></span></h4>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #45818e;">_______________________________________________________________</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: teal;"><a href="http://parentingthatworks.net/wp-content/uploads/8.-Acknowledge-Feelings.mp3" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Here's an excerpt from our recent Introductory Workshop</a></span><br />
<span style="color: teal;"><a href="http://parentingthatworks.net/wp-content/uploads/8.-Acknowledge-Feelings.mp3" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"> "You Can't Make Me!": How to End Power Struggles</a></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #134f5c;">____________________________________________________________</span></div>
<h4 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: teal;">How to Get Kids to WANT to Listen and Cooperate</span></h4>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: teal;">By Vickie Falcone, M.A.</span></div>
“How do I get my kids to stop fighting?”
“What’s the best way to handle an angry child?
“How can I persuade my daughter to go to bed on time?”
If you’re like most parents, you want practical parenting tools that solve specific problems. You’ll need few parenting tools and techniques if you learn how to truly connect with your child.
One evening, after a parenting program, Andy, the father of boys ages three and five, approached me. “Vickie, this stuff might work on girls, but not on boys. You don’t have boys, so you don’t understand. I have to GET IN THEIR FACE to get their attention.”
“What is your tone of voice when you get in their face?” I asked. <a href="http://parentingthatworks.net/listen-and-cooperate-2" title="Listen and Cooperate">more</a>Vickie Falcone, M.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03904004283143501986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7865553186628016575.post-7691535779306145032014-07-28T02:09:00.000-07:002014-12-20T18:32:42.740-08:00Why Drill Sergeants Work in the Army, But Not So Much At Home<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><u>Why We Need to Stop Using So Many Commands</u><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><u><br /></u></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The average child hears over 400 commands per day!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And lots of commands makes for ineffective
parenting. So while using commands often seems like the quickest and easiest
parenting tool, it has many downfalls. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Using frequent commands:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Discourages
your child. <o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Deprives
children of the opportunity to learn to think for themselves. <o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Decreases
cooperation.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Often
invites resistance.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">How, then, do we facilitate the happenings of the
day? The children need to get dressed, fed the dog, come to dinner etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Answer:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Instead of Using Commands:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Give information or ask a question.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMUXjHfi6_FqzmLD_CzvysZXFy72ZPqmbrg9Qsw7uZj-MJXs7jAIV58Hn1yEfIkkxMw8lZri84MDGmC818q1ArrbkqwN4XVLujJ91XweMXJ25XmW-V7FkGX_-uCBXc2NCbZ3y5KqmOI1c/s1600/2ke.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMUXjHfi6_FqzmLD_CzvysZXFy72ZPqmbrg9Qsw7uZj-MJXs7jAIV58Hn1yEfIkkxMw8lZri84MDGmC818q1ArrbkqwN4XVLujJ91XweMXJ25XmW-V7FkGX_-uCBXc2NCbZ3y5KqmOI1c/s320/2ke.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">HOW TO
GAIN COOPERATION BY ASKING QUESTIONS THAT FACILITATE<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I recently saw a great example of the power of
asking a question instead of giving a command on a bumper sticker on an
eighteen-wheeler. It read: “If I stop, can you?” The question got me<span style="color: #ff99cc;"> </span>thinking: “Could I stop in time?” I did what we
want our children to do…STOP, and THINK. Commands rarely get us there. When we
question instead of command, children respond by thinking instead of reacting. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">The key phrase in the example above is, “got me
thinking.” We want to come up with questions that lead children to think about
what needs to happen next. Questions that are imbedded with commands are less
effective.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<a href="http://www.parentingthatworks.net/" target="_blank"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglQ3Lh0imAAn0CqW4kGZyOMbljg5rlZmOxyPOoehJY4_YzOFt6weD7E5qFnDxYwB1ff3yecu1cCw-PYE3p_cjnvoPiKYWYBtpTCBpeT5K9jvKOZ0FV1clVS1tNN0ulTUBk-6NBWVndAoM/s1600/how-we-can-support-you.jpg" title="" /></a><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Some examples of questions
that teach kids to pause and think: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Command: “Pick up your
coat.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Question as a Command:
“Could you put your coat away?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Effective Question: “Where does your coat belong?”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Command: “Get your shoes
on.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Question as a Command:
“Will you put your shoes on?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Effective Question: “What else do you need to do
before you go outside?”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Command: “Feed Fido.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Question as a Command:
“Could you please feed Fido?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Effective Question: “Has Fido been fed?”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Effective questions get
your child thinking about what needs to happen next. And children are more
likely to cooperate with their own ideas, as opposed to commands. In
corporations, this is called “buy-in.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">HOW TO
GAIN COOPERATION BY GIVING INFORMATION<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Giving information is
another thing we can do instead of commands to help to keep us connected to our
child – who, eventually becomes more open to our guidance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Using the same command from the previous examples,
here are some examples of ineffective and effective questions: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Command: “Pick up your
coat.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Give Information: “Coats belong on the coat hooks.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Command: “Get your shoes
on.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Give Information: “You’ll need your shoe to go
outside.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Command: “Feed Fido.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Effective Question: “Fido looks hungry.”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Century Gothic","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Think about some of
your most-used commands and see if you can come up with a question or a
statement that you can use next time to invite cooperation and “get them
thinking.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Vickie Falcone, M.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03904004283143501986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7865553186628016575.post-27130375301819464402014-07-17T12:47:00.000-07:002014-12-20T18:35:55.443-08:00Decrease Misbehavior and Increase Closeness When You PHIL ‘em Up<br />
Our connection to our children colors our parenting experience more than anything else. So, it’s essential that we make connecting our number one priority. If you take the time to connect, the grocery shopping will go more easily, the power struggles will decrease, communication lines will open, and you’ll feel better about how you parent.<br />
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Few other parenting practices:<br />
<ul>
<li>Dramatically increase your child’s level of cooperation</li>
<li>Help decrease misbehavior</li>
<li>Motivate your child to listen better</li>
<li>Bring you profound peace of mind</li>
</ul>
Imagine someone you feel connected to, like a close friend. If she asked you for a favor, wouldn’t you go out of your way to help? If someone you don’t feel connected with (like the relative or coworker who only calls when he needs something) asks a favor, wouldn’t you be less inclined to offer support? Children feel the same way. When they’re experiencing a strong connection with us, they naturally want to maintain that connection and harmony by listening and cooperating.<br />
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Establishing this connection starts when we become aware of children’s four emotional needs and the importance of meeting them. The acronym for the four needs is PHIL: Children need to feel Powerful, Heard, Important,and Loved<br />
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Children, like adults, want to feel the authentic Power that comes from having influence and input about their environment. We help children feel powerful when we offer choices (without rushing them), ask their opinion or allow them to lead us in an activity. Children also want to be Heard and understood, not just the words they say, but the essence of their communications. We help children feel heard when we make eye contact when they are speaking and when we get down on their level to communicate. They want to feel Important, that what they have to say matters and that they’re valuable enough to warrant their parents’ attention. Children feel important when parents take the time to ask and consider their opinion and when parents spend time joyfully connecting with them. They also need to feel unconditionally Loved. Loved simply because they exist…and not matter how they are behaving.<br />
<br /><b>The Root Cause of Misbehavior</b><br /><br />Misbehavior happens when children inappropriately seek to fill the hunger for the four core needs. Power struggles erupt when children feel powerless. Children scream for attention when they don’t feel heard or important.<br /><br />In your next interaction with your child, instead of asking yourself, how can I get my child to ________? change the question to, what is my child trying to tell me? Jump at the chance to discover your child’s need then help PHIL it. This website is packed with resources that will help you do just that.<br /><br />When your child knows a fulfilling connection with you is readily available, it’s like a high-speed Internet line to your heart that’s always live. They know they can easily tap into the power of your love and get connected. They feel better about themselves. They naturally feel less needy, so they often behave in a way that’s less demanding. They feel PHILed—powerful, heard, important, and loved. And you feel the peace of mind that comes with practicing peaceful, connected parenting.<br /><div class="MsoNormal">
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Vickie Falcone, M.A.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03904004283143501986noreply@blogger.com0