If you're like me, you often parent with only short-term
goals in mind: to get the kids to clean their rooms, to make it through the
grocery store without buying a toy, or to induce them to sit quietly through
church or temple. It’s easy to lose sight of our long-term goals of raising
happy, healthy, confident children when we are caught up in the minutia of
life. I find that for most parents in my programs, it is helpful to be
powerfully reminded of the end result of your minute-to-minute decisions. So I
developed a visualization called Fast Forward to help parents create a
picture that they carry with them through the six-week parenting course and
beyond. Please read the exercise and then take the time to write down your
response that follows the visualization, immediately and without editing, your
first thoughts.
Fast Forward your life to a future scene. Your child, now
19, has just arrived home from college to join you for Thanksgiving (if you
have more than one child, picture the child who challenges you the most). As
you take your seat among friends and family at the dinner table, your
19-year-old clinks a glass to get everyone’s attention, stands and begins to
give a speech in your honor. You feel overwhelmed with the feelings of
connectedness, joy, and pride as you hear your child express his/her deep
gratitude for the wonderful parent you have been.
My amazing daughters Alexa and Brianna |
On a piece of paper write your child’s speech—the speech
you would like to hear. Be as specific as possible, listing in detail the
circumstances that created closeness between you and your child. Let your
imagination go wild. Do not limit yourself by what you think is
possible—write the dream.
This can be a very emotional experience for most parents.
Many of us as children did not receive from our parents what we really want to
pass on to our children—a high level of connection, appreciation, and
unconditional love. Also, many parents fear they won’t be able to “get it” in
time to become the parents they want to be. You will. It’s never ever too late
to become a more effective parent. It’s never too late to create a more
connected relationship with your child.
Use this exercise as a way to set your intention for how
you want to raise your children, and let this bigger intention guide your daily
actions and provide you with the motivation to change. You provide the desire
and I will provide you plenty of ideas for getting there. If you feel like you
did not receive the qualities that you want to pass on to your children, do not
despair. One of the grand possibilities of parenthood is that we have the
chance to experience gifts like unconditional love, connection, freedom, and
being heard when we give them to our child. We get to experience unconditional
love by giving it to someone else. We have an opportunity to create the
connection we didn't feel as children when we connect with our child. And we
experience the joy of hearing someone when we felt unheard. In the process we
all get to heal.
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