Why We Need to Stop Using So Many Commands
The average child hears over 400 commands per day!
And lots of commands makes for ineffective
parenting. So while using commands often seems like the quickest and easiest
parenting tool, it has many downfalls.
Using frequent commands:
- Discourages
your child.
- Deprives
children of the opportunity to learn to think for themselves.
- Decreases
cooperation.
- Often
invites resistance.
How, then, do we facilitate the happenings of the
day? The children need to get dressed, fed the dog, come to dinner etc.
The Answer:
Instead of Using Commands:
Give information or ask a question.
HOW TO
GAIN COOPERATION BY ASKING QUESTIONS THAT FACILITATE
I recently saw a great example of the power of
asking a question instead of giving a command on a bumper sticker on an
eighteen-wheeler. It read: “If I stop, can you?” The question got me thinking: “Could I stop in time?” I did what we
want our children to do…STOP, and THINK. Commands rarely get us there. When we
question instead of command, children respond by thinking instead of reacting.
The key phrase in the example above is, “got me
thinking.” We want to come up with questions that lead children to think about
what needs to happen next. Questions that are imbedded with commands are less
effective.
Command: “Pick up your
coat.”
Question as a Command:
“Could you put your coat away?”
Effective Question: “Where does your coat belong?”
Command: “Get your shoes
on.”
Question as a Command:
“Will you put your shoes on?”
Effective Question: “What else do you need to do
before you go outside?”
Command: “Feed Fido.”
Question as a Command:
“Could you please feed Fido?”
Effective Question: “Has Fido been fed?”
Effective questions get
your child thinking about what needs to happen next. And children are more
likely to cooperate with their own ideas, as opposed to commands. In
corporations, this is called “buy-in.”
HOW TO
GAIN COOPERATION BY GIVING INFORMATION
Giving information is
another thing we can do instead of commands to help to keep us connected to our
child – who, eventually becomes more open to our guidance.
Using the same command from the previous examples,
here are some examples of ineffective and effective questions:
Command: “Pick up your
coat.”
Give Information: “Coats belong on the coat hooks.”
Command: “Get your shoes
on.”
Give Information: “You’ll need your shoe to go
outside.”
Command: “Feed Fido.”
Effective Question: “Fido looks hungry.”
Think about some of
your most-used commands and see if you can come up with a question or a
statement that you can use next time to invite cooperation and “get them
thinking.”
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